


Harry Potter one-shots

by mi9999



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Crack, F/F, F/M, Gen, Humor, Inappropriate Humor, M/M, Multi, Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-12
Updated: 2021-02-12
Packaged: 2021-03-18 12:53:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 14
Words: 5,911
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29368830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mi9999/pseuds/mi9999
Summary: A series of weird and funny one-shots that are short depending on what others suggest to me.





	1. Golf

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Harry Potter or anything connected to his world, this is for amusement only.

**A/N:** **A quick shout out to _ShadowLord1329_** **on** **_Fanfiction.net_ for giving me the idea for quite a few of these, I appreciate it!**

**This one is set in last year, without Voldemort.**

Ch.1 Golf

Draco Lucius Malfoy had been busted for breakdancing on the staff table by Professor McGonagall and was given detention:Cleaning the grounds with Hagrid.

"Hey, yo! Why you gettin' all in my grill, homie?" Draco asked.

"You know better than to breakdance on the staff table...do it on Hufflepuff's, no one likes those pussies." McGonagall answered.

"Word, girl, word."

**_HPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHP_ **

Harry Potter and Hermione Granger were waiting for the lessons to start:They were assigned to teach the students how to play golf.

House by house, they all came down and stood in front of the teens. "Thanks for comin' yo, we gonna teach yo dumb asses how to golf, if you don't like it, take yo ass back to da castle, mate." Hermione said.

No one moved.

She nodded. "First of all, you set this pin into the ground like this." The girl set a plastic pin into said ground. "Next place the ball onto the pin. Then you hold the club with this grip." Here she followed with the right way to hold it. "These clubs are charmed so that you can't go hittin' others with 'em."

Here, Crabbe tried to hit a seventh year Gryffindor but it bounced off Dean and hit himself. " _Owww!_ Bitch."

"Told ya it won't work, stupid." Hermione retorted.

Just then, Malfoy swaggered onto the field to help Hagrid with the work.

Harry took point. "Pull back yo arm like this and swing as hard as you can and if somebody in the way of the ball's path, you gotta yell 'fore!'." He demonstrated, little did anyone beside Harry and Hermione know, the balls were jinxed to head toward Draco.

" _OW!_ Watch where you swingin', man!"

"Hey, you walkin' right into 'em, fucker."

This instruction went on for another five minutes before each student was handed a pin, a club and several balls to shoot with and two minutes after that, the air was thick with flying golf balls...all aimed at Draco.

" **FORE!** " ***SMACK!***

" _OWWW! Who hate me up there?!_ "

" **ME, BITCH!** " Hagrid's fist collided with Draco's face.

Everyone cheered as Hagrid threw Draco into a dumpster. "Piece o' shit belongs in there."

**A/N:** I know, it's short, but I couldn't think of much to add, not sure if these will stay short or not, depends on if I get ideas for lengthening them.

Hope this is to your liking, **ShadowLord1329**.


	2. AURORS

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Harry Potter, anything connected to it or other things based off of real shows, movies, etc. I take no credit for them.

**A/N:** As you may have guessed, this one is a parody of COPS, hope you enjoy it.

Ch.2 AURORS

This week's episode entitled:When good witches go bad!

**Announcer:** _Two lonely street whores were doing rounds, the identities of these two have been kept quiet. Let's see what happens, shall we?_

_"Oh, yeah! Hermione, suck this Potter dick! Luna, keep licking her out as she sucks me." Came a voice everyone recognized._

_"Well, well, if it isn't the famous Harry Potter, Hermione Granger and Luna Lovegood! I never expected this."_

**Announcer:** _Shit! Well, we tried to keep it a secret._

_"I'm afraid you three will need to come in for questioning and don't be shocked if you get fired before the night is done." The Auror, Ronald Weasley, told the two Ministry employees. "Also, the Quibbler will have a field day with its owner and publisher as part of this group."_

_"Er, please! Don't take us in! I know how much you wanted to see me with red hair, here." Hermione pleaded, tapping her head and causing her brunette hair to change to Weasley red._

_"Sexy, but not enough to bribe me, slut."_

_"Ooooh, yes, I am a slut! I'll suck your tiny-er-huge dick if you'll let us go."_

_One pathetically unenthusiastic cock sucking later..._

_"Okay, you're free to go. Harry, take care of these bitches and I'll see ya at the office on Monday."_

_"See ya, mate."_

**Announcer:** _That about wraps it up for this episode, next time on AURORS..._

_We see two men in the Ministry checking the Minister's luggage._

_"Hey, lookie what I got here!" One of them said, holding a bag of heroin._

_"Yup, I knew the fucker was a dumbass."_

_The two walked into the office and yelled. "PUT YOUR HANDS UP, YOU'RE UNDER ARREST FOR HEROIN POSSESSION AND IMPROPER CONDUCT IN FRONT OF LAW ENFORCEMENT!"_

_Fudge looked up and said "It's not what it looks like, I swear!"_

_"We found this while searching your things and what it looks like is Ginevra Potter sucking your cock."_

_The now named Ginny raised her head and said. "Don't call it a cock, it's a tiny weiner."_

_"HEY, FUCK YOU, BITCH!"_

_"Nah, Neville already has and quite admirably at that!"_

**A/N:Another short one but hope you enjoyed, _don't be afraid to leave suggestions for future things I can put in or ideas to lengthen the ones I already wrote._**


	3. WOMD

**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything from Harry Potter or his world

**A/N:** This chapter is set twenty years after the events of Deathly Hallows.

Ch.3 WOMD

Harry James Potter had broken his Phoenix feather wand, again and had decided to visit a pair of sisters named Krysty and Mysty, who had just opened up their shop when Ollivander died.

"Welcome, may we-"

"Help you, today?"

_Fuck, why do twins have to fucking do that fucking shit?_ Harry thought.

"Yeah, I broke my other wand and I'm here to replace it."

"We can help-"

"You with that, Mister Potter."

_FUCKING MERLIN! EVERY FUCKING TIME I GO SOMEWHERE, SOMEONE HAS TO RECOGNIZE ME._ He roared inside his head.

_**HPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHP** _

An hour later, after what felt like thousands of wands were waved, the twin shopkeepers had an idea.

"Will it work for him?"

"Will he be okay with it?"

"Only one way to find out!"

The two women came out with one of them carrying an ornate jewel-covered box.

"This is the best we've got, sir."

Mysty took the wand out and handed it to him.

Harry took it and felt a warmth stronger than he had felt with both the Elder wand and his Phoenix wand.

Just then, three Death Eaters who evaded capture walked in and aimed their wands at the three.

"We call this wand WOMD." Krysty told him, ignoring the Death Eaters.

"WOMD?" Harry asked, also completely ignoring them.

"Wand Of Mass Destruction." The twins said, at the same time.

"Hey, don't ignore us!" Lucius Malfoy whined, stomping his foot like a petulant child.

"Yes, you see that Giant outside our door?"

"Yep, kinda hard to miss, that is."

"May I?" Mysty asked, holding out her hand so she can demonstrate.

"Sure. This I gotta see!" Harry answered, briefly handing the wand back.

The woman aimed the wand at the Giant.

"Ha! Good luck using a-." Another Death Eater began.

_"BOMBARDA!"_ The Blasting hex fired in front of the smug dark wizards toward the magically resistant creature.

Its entire upper half exploded in a sea of blood and guts.

"This one's on the house for you, treat it well." Both twins said, together.

"Oh yeah! Hail to the King, Baby, Ash Williams eat your heart out cuz I got my own Boom stick." Harry cheered, then he Apparated away.

One of the Death Eaters looked first at their dead Giant, then to his recruits. _**"I THINK I JUST SHIT MYSELF!"**_ The other two agreed that they did, too.

**A/N:** Another suggested by **ShadowLord1329** , hope it's what you enjoyed.


	4. I'M KICKING MY ASS!

**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything JKR creates...I just like fucking with it.

**A/N:** The scenario in here was also suggested by **ShadowLord1329** , enjoy!

I take no credit for the _Liar liar reference_ , credit goes to those involved in the movie.

Ch.4 I'M KICKING MY ASS!

Fifth year Slytherin, one Mr. Draco Malfoy, was pissed off! Gryffindor just won the Quidditch cup for the third time in a row.

_I must figure out how I'm to get even with Potter!_ He thought, cursing the much better looking, more athletic of the two.

Just then, he got a brilliantly sinister grin on his face.

_Yes, I shall do that and blame Potter..._

**_HPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHP_ **

An hour or two later, a Ravenclaw first year went by an unused classroom when she heard noise coming from said room.

Clarissa Roberts looked in and just stared for a minute before asking in an Irish accent "What're ye doin'?"

Draco responded with "I'M KICKING MY ASS, DO YOU MIND?"

**_HPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHP_ **

Harry James Potter was skipping up to Professor Dumbledore's office, he had just got summoned there.

"Percy's pickle." The teen said to the Gargoyle, who stepped aside to let him up.

He knocked on the door. "Enter." The voice of the Headmaster sounded worn out.

Harry opened the door and the sight that met his eyes was strange, to say the least:The Headmaster and his deputy were playing Twister.

Minerva pointed her wand at the spinner which whirled around until it landed on "Right foot, Red!"

Harry cleared his throat, which made Minerva land on Albus's back.

"Ah, Harry, m'boy! I am glad you could make it."

"You wanted to see me?" Harry asked.

"Er, yes, Mr. Draco Malfoy says you beat the shit outta him."

"Fucker's lying, I haven't been near the dickhead all day."

"I suspected that was the case, thank you and one thousand points to Gryffindor while Slytherin loses two thousand."

"Slytherin only has two hundred, though."

"You seem to be laboring under the delusion that I give a fuck, Harry."

"Thanks, sir!" Harry said, giggling and closing the door after he was answered.

**A/N:** I don't know why, I can just see this happening, easily.


	5. Wedgie

**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything JKR creates...I just like fucking with it.

**A/N:** This one also takes place in a world without Voldemort.

Ch.5 Wedgie

Harry James Potter was feeling a bit frustrated;It was his seventh and final year, at night, and he was sitting in the chair across from his best friend and crush as she leaned back sideways against the couch she sat on, taking up all of it.

He was currently looking at her slippers and wishing she'd take them off.

"Just ask to see them, Harry." Hermione said, a smirk playing on her lips as she read her favorite book, _Hogwarts:A history revised_.

"Er, wh-what?" Harry stuttered in confusion.

She sighed in a dramatic way as she put her book down and mock-glared. "I do have peripheral vision, dumbass."

"Peri-whaty vision?"

"Peripheral vision, it means I can see out of the corner of my eyes, I've been seeing you looking at my slippers for the last two hours. So just ask to see my feet!"

"Erm, can I see them?" Harry asked, blushing at getting caught.

"There, was that so bloody hard?" She asked as she slid off the offending items to reveal red painted toes.

"That may not have been but something else is, now." Harry answered as he stared at said toes.

She blushed and giggled, wiggling them for him.

**_HPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHP_ **

Rita Skeeter was a vile, cruel woman who lived to ruin lives and she had gotten a note from an anonymous person that asked her to bring the news crew out to Hogwarts in one hour.

An hour later, at dinnertime, the news people arrived with Rita who then began the broadcast:

Rita:"Hey, bitches, this is Rita Skeeter live from Hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry. We got some creepy-ass note asking us to come here. We don't know if we'll meet the creep but it might be worth it."

(Here, the camera pans around the Great hall, searching for anything news-worthy.)

" _ **AHHHH!**_ " Severus Snape-Prince suddenly stood up with a jolt and his pants were down to his knees.

He was turned magically toward the camera to show his boxers were bunched between his pale asscheeks, tightly.

The school was dismissed ten minutes later when everyone, including Minerva, stopped laughing their asses off.

**_HPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHP_ **

The next day, the Daily Prophet came and made Hermione roar in laughter with her new boyfriend:

_**BREAKING NEWS:SEVERUS SNAPE-PRINCE GETS ATOMIC WEDGIE!** _

_For those who didn't watch the news, last night...you missed a fucking hilarious thing! Okay, so we, like, got an anonymous note asking for us to get something on film and, like, when we got there, Sevy got his ass owned by his pink heart covered boxers...literally! They bunched up between those pale cheeks of his as he screamed like a girl._

_Rita Skeeter, reporter-who-pissed-herself-laughing_

This was followed by wizarding pictures of the entire thing.


	6. A challenge suggested to me

Exactly as the name suggests, this is a _'Nice Dursleys'_ challenge suggested to me by **Shadowlord1329** on **_Fanfiction.net_** , here are the rules provided:

**Up to the author how the Dursleys are nice**

**Harry and Vernon must bond over an activity(like restoring cars)**

**Petunia must make sure Harry has a real family after feeling immense guilt over her jealousy**

**Dudley must be Harry's Best Muggle friend**

**When the Dursleys come to Hogwarts, Dudley must punch Ron in the balls due to finding out** **about being a prat towards Harry**

**Dudley meets Luna and becomes her friend due to him witnessing her being bullied when** **visiting.(Up to you if you want the Dudley/Luna pairing)**

**Vernon will help Harry increase his fortune via stocks and reading up on wizarding law**

**If you don't go the Dudley/Luna route, Ginny must meet Dudley and become his other wizarding** **friend(ie Dudley/Ginny pairing)**

**NO canon pairings**


	7. The ink is blue!

**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything JKR creates...I just like fucking with it.

Ch.6 The ink is blue!

Ronald Bilius Weasley had lied about why he hadn't done his homework so Harry, full of spite toward Ron for not believing him when he said he didn't enter into the _Tri-wizard_ tournament or get anyone to help him, used a _Truth-Telling_ hex on the red-haired idiot that Hermione found while looking up various spells in the library and hoping some of them would help.

The next person to see Ron was Pansy Parkinson, who was on her way to _DADA_ while he was going to _Charms_.

"Hey, Ron." She said.

"What do you want, Parkinson?" He snapped.

"Now is that anyway to treat your _GIRLFRIEND?_ " She teased.

"Sorry, baby, just pissed off."

"Oh, dear! What the hell happened?"

The two had been secretly dating since first year and Ron was on the supremacist's side.

He told her about the teachers demanding he turn in his work.

"And now I gotta find a way out of doing it because Hermione refused to help until I _'get my head out of my ass'_ and believe that Potter didn't enter into the tournament."

"You could always actually do it, you know?" Pansy said, she had always tried to get him to do his work, even going so far as to imply sexual favors in return for doing well.

Ron just laughed. "Yeah, me doing homework is like you not being a whore!" He immediately clapped his hands to his mouth, he had not meant to say that but it just came out, never mind the fact that he thought it was the truth.

_"HOW DARE YOU!" *SLAP!*_ She hit him and stormed off.

_What's going on?_ He fumed.

An hour later had a pissed off Ron scraping frog guts from cauldrons.

**Flashback**

"Weasley! What is your reasoning for not doing the assigned work?" Snape barked.

"Simple, I had loads of things I preferred doing over that lame ass piece." Ron cringed, he had not meant to admit it and missed Harry and Hermione snickering in the opposite corner.

_"A MONTH'S DETENTION FOR YOUR CHEEK!"_ Snape roared.

**End flashback**

After he was done, he decided to test if he had any spells on him.

He found a bottle of blue ink, he held it aloft and proclaimed loudly "The color of the ink I hold in my hand is re...re...re...blue!"

The next time Harry and Hermione saw him, the boy had the word BLUE scrawled across his body in his writing, then the bookworm kissed Harry soundly as he held her ass.


	8. Talent show

**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything JKR creates...I just like fucking with it.

Ch.7 Talent show

Harry was grinning like an idiot;Minerva McGonagall had just told her cubs that there would be a talent show going on in a moment and Harry knew exactly what he would do and whom he would do so with.

After about five minutes, they were called to the stage to perform their acts, one by one.

Ron displayed his chess skill by soundly defeating his brother, Fred, who was most ashamed that he lost.

The chaser trio performed gymnastics.

Luna Lovegood performed _'Unwell'_ by _Matchbox twenty._

When it came to be Draco Malfoy's turn, the candles lining the Great hall dimmed and a voice is heard saying _"Lumos!"_ The wand's beam fell on the stage as a group of Slytherins appeared and they started.

**Yo listen up, here's the story about a little guy that lives in a blue world**

**And all day and all night and everything he sees is just blue**

**Like him, inside and outside**

**Blue his house with a blue little window and a blue Corvette**

**And everything is blue for him**

**And himself and everybody around**

**'Cause he ain't got nobody to listen**

**I'm blue da ba dee da ba da**

**Da ba dee da ba da, da ba dee da ba da, da ba dee da ba da**

**Da ba dee da ba da, da ba dee da ba da, da ba dee da ba da**

**I'm blue da ba dee da ba da**

**Da ba dee da ba da, da ba dee da ba da, da ba dee da ba da**

**Da ba dee da ba da, da ba dee da ba da, da ba dee da ba da**

**I have a blue house with a blue window**

**Blue is the color of all that I wear**

**Blue are the streets and all the trees are too**

**I have a girlfriend and she is so blue**

**Blue are the people here that walk around**

**Blue like my Corvette, it's in and outside**

**Blue are the words I say and what I think**

**Blue are the feelings that live inside me**

**I'm blue da ba dee da ba da**

**Da ba dee da ba da, da ba dee da ba da, da ba dee da ba da**

**Da ba dee da ba da, da ba dee da ba da, da ba dee da ba da**

**I'm blue da ba dee da ba da**

**Da ba dee da ba da, da ba dee da ba da, da ba dee da ba da**

**Da ba dee da ba da, da ba dee da ba da, da ba dee da ba da**

**I have a blue house with a blue window**

**Blue is the color of all that I wear**

**Blue are the streets and all the trees are too**

**I have a girlfriend and she is so blue**

**Blue are the people here that walk around**

**Blue like my Corvette, it's in and outside**

**Blue are the words I say and what I think**

**Blue are the feelings that live inside me**

**I'm blue da ba dee da ba da**

**Da ba dee da ba da, da ba dee da ba da, da ba dee da ba da**

**Da ba dee da ba da, da ba dee da ba da, da ba dee da ba da**

**I'm blue da ba dee da ba da**

**Da ba dee da ba da, da ba dee da ba da, da ba dee da ba da**

**Da ba dee da ba da, da ba dee da ba da, da ba dee da ba da**

Silence rang through the hall except for Harry who brought out a tape recorder and played the sounds of crickets chirping.

"Whatever, fuckers don't know talent when they see it." Draco pouted.

The crowd shook its stun right before the boy said this and shouted back **_"NO TALENT! NO TALENT!"_** before they tossed tomatoes at him, booing.

"Last one up is Harry Potter singing _You spin me round_ by _Dead or alive_." McGonagall levitated Malfoy and tossed him into the rest as they all flew off the stage.

"For this song, I ask Hermione to join me up here, please." This shocked the brunette bookworm but she walked up as requested...neither missed Ron's look of anger and Harry called him on it.

"Should've believed me last year when I said I never entered the tournament, myself, dickhead."

The music started and both of them started to sing, being the first time he heard her, Harry was pleasantly surprised by how good her voice was.

**If I, I get to know your name**

**Well and I, could trace your private number, baby**

**All I know is that to me**

**You look like you're lots of fun**

**Open up your lovin' arms**

**I want some, want some**

**I set my sights on you(and no one else will do)**

**And I, I've got to have my way now, baby**

**All I know is that to me**

**You look like you're havin' fun**

**Open up your lovin' arms**

**Watch out here I come**

**You spin me right round, baby**

**Right round like a record, baby**

**Right round, round round**

**You spin me right round, baby**

**Right round like a record, baby**

**Right round round round**

**I got to be your friend now, baby**

**And I would like to move in just a little bit closer**

**All I know is that to me**

**You look like you're lots of fun**

**Open up your lovin' arms**

**Watch out, here I come**

**You spin me right round, baby**

**Right round like a record, baby**

**Right round round round**

**You spin me right round, baby**

**Right round like a record, baby**

**Right round round round**

**I want your love**

**I want your love**

**All I know is that to me**

**You look like you're lots of fun**

**Open up your lovin' arms**

**Watch out, here I come**

**You spin me right round, baby**

**Right round like a record, baby**

**Right round round round**

**You spin me right round, baby**

**Right round like a record, baby**

**Right round round round**

**You spin me right round, baby**

**Right round like a record, baby**

**Right round round round**

**You spin me right round, baby**

**Right round like a record, baby**

**Right round round round**

**You spin me right round, baby**

**Right round like a record, baby**

**Right round round round**

**You spin me right round, baby**

**Right round like a record, baby**

**Right round round round**

A mighty roar of applause went up as Harry bowed and Hermione curtsied.

"Thank you, have a good night, Hogwarts!" They said at the same time.

"That about wraps up the talent show, hope you all enjoyed yourselves, Prefects will now lead their houses back to their dorms or other dorms, I don't really give a fuck." With these words, the school departed to have an orgy in the dungeons except Ron who got kicked out by Harry as he slammed the door in his face.

**A/N:** Shout out to **ShadowLord1329** once again for the suggestion.


	9. Halloween

**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything JKR creates...I just like fucking with it.

**A/N:** This one will be in memory of Stan Lee, the **_Marvel_** legend, who passed away on November 12, 2018.

Ch.8 Halloween

It was a cold, dreary Halloween night when Harry Potter, his girlfriend, Hermione Granger and their friend Ron Weasley paid respects to the Muggle superhero creator known as Stan Lee who had passed away the month before. Arguably, his most classic creation was _Spider-man_.

Harry was dressed up as the web slinging hero, himself, Hermione was dressed as casual Mary Jane with a T-shirt, jeans and flip-flops and Ron was dressed as the Green Goblin.

Other noted heroes and heroines showed up but the one that got the most stares was who showed up as Black Canary:Draco Malfoy wore a leather jacket, finger-less gloves, high heeled boots and D sized breast implants...oh and someone used a _Permanent-sticking_ charm on a wig that was as red as the Weasley family's own hair.(the ones who were in school many years ago together all donated some hair for the creation of said wig.)

"Damn, Malfoy, your tits are bigger than mine!" Hermione pouted, until Harry came up behind her and whispered in her ear "True, but I much prefer yours, my lovely." The comment made her blush crimson.

Malfoy tried to yell but someone cast a _Sonic Scream_ (coolest name I ever came up with!)curse on him so whenever he opened his mouth, the others had to plug their ears.

After a few more screams, which the others knew meant _Wait until my father hears about this!_ Malfoy left them alone to mourn the greatest man in Muggle history.

**A/N:** Sorry for the shortness, I just had to get it out as fast as I could and hope it was worth the long wait. Credit for the idea of this chapter goes to **_thedarkpokemaster_** also from _**Fanfiction.net**_ , a great author with amazing stories.(Sorry for using Black Canary instead of Black widow as we discussed, I had forgotten by the time I wrote this and when I remembered, I had already sent it to my beta, **_the-power-of-love_**.)

I know that Black Canary is DC and not Marvel but Stan did work on some DC characters as well even if not her so I had to reference it.


	10. Anger management

**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything JKR creates...I just like fucking with it.

Ch.9 Anger management

One Draco Lucius Malfoy was sitting in a chair surrounded by our Golden trio, Pansy Parkinson, Daphne Greengrass, Tracey Davis and Millicent Bulstrode.

The reason for this being the attitude the Malfoy heir had shown them since they each met him.

"Draco, mate, we asked you here because you...have a problem and need help with it!" Harry started.

"I do **_NOT_** have a problem, I'm...just...tired." Draco tried to lie.

"For the past five years?!" Hermione screeched, making Draco blush.

"Would you believe me if I told you I was Bi?"

"No..."

"Gay?"

"Yes..."

"Dammit! You're all cunts!" Draco shouted before chucking the chair he had been sitting on across the room.

"We're definitely gonna be here a while..." Hermione surmised to agreeing noises from the others.

Two and a half hours later...

_**Graphic slash warning** _

"Fuck me, Harry! Oh, Merlin, your cock is so big! Suck my dick, Hermione! _Oooh!_ Who knew Mudbloods had such skill?

**_*SLAP!*_ **

"What the fuck, Hagrid!"

"Shaddup bitch boy an' take his dick like it's yer hope 'o survivin'!" Hagrid roared as Hermione jerked him off.

_**End of warning** _

**A/N:** Thanks go to **_Shadowlord1329_** for this one, as well.

Sorry that it's shorter, that's all I thought of.


	11. James is whipped

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Harry Potter, I wish I did...

Ch.10 James is whipped

Mere minutes after surviving, James Potter used a battering ram on the portrait of the Fat lady in Gryffindor tower.

"You know we could've just asked someone the password, right _Prongs_?" Lily asked over Harry's crying. "And look what you've done, Harry's up!"

"Aw, you're no fun!" James pouted.

"Well, now you're in deep shit, _Prongs_." Sirius said, barking out a laugh.

"Is that James and Lily Potter I see?" A voice they recognized as Godric Gryffindor's asked.

"Yes, it's us, longtime no see, Godric." Lily said, waving at him.

"I do believe the last time I saw you, I had been buggering Rowena as she ate out Helga."

"Yes, I remember, if you'll excuse us, I owe James a punishment for ramming the portrait open." Lily said, glaring at James, who gulped. "But first, Remus, did you bring it?"

"Yep, it's right here!" He said, taking a boombox out of his bag, the song **_"I like to move it"_** from **Madagascar** playing, and raised it above his head, nodding along.

Lily busted out the _Firewhiskey_ , passing it along until they were drunk off their asses and she was topless and barefoot, dancing seductively on the table with a whip in her hand.

_***CRACK!***_ She laid it across Jame's bare ass and he howled in pain.

**"I REGRET NOTHING!"** He shouted.

**A/N:** Shoutout to **ShadowLord1329** for giving me another great idea, thanks!


	12. Calm yo titties

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Harry Potter or his world(Wish I did)

Ch.11 Calm yo titties

Lily Potter was furious, she was watching her son's life from the after life when suddenly James walked up in a full suit of armor and holding a shield.

Laughing at this sight, she tried to talk to her Husband.

"James, I'm not that scary when I'm mad, besides I'm not mad." She said.

James was not buying it.

"Bullshit, I have heard that before. SIRIUS BUNKER DOWN, LILY'S PISSED!"

Suddenly, a huge vault door appeared in front of Lily that stretched as far as the eye could see.

"I'm not mad James, cut this shit off!"

Now she'd done it.

"REMUS, GO TO LILYCON 1! I REPEAT:WE ARE IN SOME SERIOUS SHIT!"

Suddenly, turrets appeared on the door and aimed at Lily.

"LILY POTTER, THIS DOOR WILL NOT OPEN TIL YOU HAVE CALMED YOUR TITTIES! I REPEAT CALM YO TITTIES!"

Lily was not amused.

"Damn it James, open up!"

James looked at his friends.

"We're going to be here a while."

Sirius, nodding, grabbed Pizzas and beer out of nowhere.

"Let's wait this temper tantrum out." Sirius said.

"I have a feeling we forgot something." Remus said.

Severus Snape, finally happy to get all that afterlife paper work sorted out, was in paradise! Now he could see Lily.

Only to see a huge vault door and a furious Lily Potter slowly turning towards him.

"So, being an asshole to my son was justified because you hate James for shagging me, huh?" Lily said with murder in her eyes.

Suddenly the vault voice screamed.

"CALM YO TITTIES!"

Severus Snape growled.

"Damn You, JAMES!"


	13. Draco gets an urge

**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything JKR creates...I just like fucking with it.

Harry, Ron and Hermione were sitting in the Great hall when Draco and his goons busted the doors down, singing.

**Hi(Hi!)We're your Weather Girls(Ah-huh)**   
**And have we got news for you(You better listen)**   
**Get ready, all you lonely girls**   
**And leave those umbrellas at home(Alright!)**

**Humidity is rising(Uh, rising)**   
**Barometer's getting low(Oh low, girl?)**   
**According to all sources(What sources, now?)**   
**The street's the place to go(We'd better hurry up)**   
**Cause tonight, for the first time**   
**Just about half-past ten**   
**For the first time in history**   
**It's gonna start raining men!(Start raining men)**

**It's raining men! Hallelujah!**   
**It's raining men! Amen!**   
**I'm gonna go out to run and let myself get**   
**Absolutely soaking wet!**

**It's raining men! Hallelujah!**   
**It's raining men! Every specimen!**   
**Tall, blonde, dark and lean**   
**Rough and tough and strong and mean**

**God bless Mother Nature, she's a single woman, too**   
**She took off to heaven and she did what she had to do**   
**She taught every angel and rearranged the sky**   
**So that each and every woman could find her perfect guy**

**It's raining men! Hallelujah!**   
**It's raining men! Amen!**   
**It's raining men! Hallelujah!**   
**It's raining men! Amen!**

**I feel stormy weather moving in**   
**About to begin(about to begin)**   
**Hear(hear)the(the)thun(thun)der(der)**   
**Don't(don't)you(you)lose(lose)your(your)head!**   
**Rip off the roof and stay in bed**   
**(Rip off the roof and stay in bed!)**

**God bless Mother Nature, she's a single woman too**   
**She took off to heaven and she did what she had to do**   
**She taught every angel; she rearranged the sky**   
**So that each and every woman could find her perfect guy**   
**It's Raining Men! Yeah!**

**Humidity is rising(Humidity is rising)**   
**Barometer's getting low(It's getting low low low low)**   
**According to all sources(According to all sources)**   
**The street's the place to go**   
**'Cause tonight for the first time**   
**Just about half-past ten**   
**For the first time in history**   
**It's gonna start raining men!**

**It's raining men! Hallelujah!**   
**It's raining men! Amen!**   
**It's raining men! Hallelujah!**   
**It's raining men! Amen!**

**It's raining men! Hallelujah!**   
**It's raining men! Amen!**   
**It's raining men! Hallelujah!**   
**It's raining men! Amen!**   
**(Tall, blonde, dark and lean)**   
**(Rough and tough and strong and mean)**   
**She taught every angel**   
**She rearranged the sky**   
**Hallelujah!**

Just then, McGonagall ran up to the group and magically dragged the Slytherins by their ears. "Come with me bitches, you're getting punished."

**_"DAMN IT!"_** Draco yelled. **"OWIE OWIE! OWIE!"**


	14. Syrup slapped

**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything JKR creates...I just like fucking with it.

Draco Malfoy and Harry Potter were having a staring contest when Luna Lovegood padded up to them. "Hi, master." She said, sitting down.

"Hi, Luna." Harry said, not looking away. "May I request that you smack Draco in the face?" Luna asked, smirking.

"Don't need to ask me twice!" A grinning Harry hit him hard, this caused Draco to lose his head...literally.

_"WHAT THE FUCK!"_ Harry screamed.

"He lost ages ago but you were so out of it he conjured a dummy filled with corn syrup in front of you and walked away." Luna explained then walked away, herself.

_**"JACKASS!"**_ Draco shouted as he entered the room and saw the headless dummy.

_Later that day..._

_"Ooooh, fuck! Fuck my ass, master!"_ Came a very familiar voice to Luna and when she saw who it belonged to, she grinned as her dick hardened.

"You like that, Parkinson?! You like my Half-Blood cock in your slutty ass?! _Take it! Take it all, bitch!_ " Harry said with Pansy on her back and her legs spread in the air so that Luna could see the other girl's own cock bouncing around as she got fucked.

"May I join in?" Luna asked.

"Of course you can, the more the merrier!" Harry replied.

Luna took off all her clothes and fed her dick into the mouth of Slytherin's whore where Pansy started to suck for all she was worth because she just loved being used by anything she came across.

"Her throat's a lot looser than last time." Luna commented.

"Apparently Hagrid fucked it as hard as he could." Harry replied.

"I know, she saw him fuck my ass the same way before begging him to take her throat right after." The Irish lass grinned and so did Harry, right before Luna started sucking on Pansy's red nailed toes on one foot, making said girl moan and flex them.

"That's so damn hot, I love seeing you sucking another girl's toes!" Harry told Luna right before taking his other slave's untouched foot into his mouth.


End file.
